Well, I just came back from the funeral. Charlie Manual’s eulogy appeared to be heartfelt, but no one could understand a word he said. He left his notes on the pulpit. They consisted of three words: heart, the organ the Phillies found late in the season that skipped a beat at the most inopportune times; relief, the apparatus that was supposed to be what separated the Phils from other teams, but often times folded up under the blanket of a big game stage; and personnel, overpaid, Lieberthal, underachieving, Abreu, unclutch, Burrell, uninspired, Bell. They were words of truth and honesty, and now what promises to be the strangest off-season in a long time begins under the continued watchful eye of the grim reaper himself, Mr. Ed Wade, who will be asked to cut payroll, change the face of the team, and produce a product that will trump this year’s 88-win rendition. Ugh. After I do myself in, at my funeral, just tell them I didn’t have the stomach to watch. Let’s run it full:

BALL 1: Out of Favre — The Packers may have fell to 0-4 last night, but shame on you if you took Carolina giving 7 to the greatest Monday Night Football player of all time. Bret Favre, even in another loss by his inexperienced, injury-laden, weak-hearted troops, was nothing short of genius down the stretch, as he frantically weaved the beleaguered Packers back into a game they had no right being in, with 2 of his starting offensive linemen down, his rookie receiver on a stretcher and a hobbled star running back. Stop asking if this guy is going to retire. Dan Marino stood frozen in the pocket to throw 51 more touchdown passes after turning 36 years of age. Favre is at that age mark. As long as the word frantic is in the dictionary, and this guy chooses to keep it in his mantra, he can continue to play in this league. The question is, does he want to endure playing with the group of heartless stiffs assembled around him.

STRIKE 1: Autumnal Splendor — My squad may have fallen one Jose Macias line drive that didn’t quite get up the middle short of making the playoffs, and watching the post-season (especially the National League) will be bittersweet, but it’s still October baseball. I’m ready for Johnny Miller. I’m ready for Joe Buck and the infinitely annoying Tim McCarver. I’m ready for Vladdy and A-Rod, Papi and Konerko, Pujols and Andruw and the Big 3 on the hill in Houston. I’m ready for Jeter flying into the stands. I’m ready for Posednick playing with his hair on fire. I’m ready for the scrappiness of Eckstein and the aged, unfettered professionalism of Biggio, and Chipper, and Shef, and Schill. I’m ready for the new guns, the Carpenters and Colons, Buehrles and Clements. I’m ready for Clemens and the Unit dealing bowties like they’re headed to a wedding. I’m ready for Edmonds robbing, Matsui clubbing, Berkman slugging, and Manny hugging. What’s that commercial say? I live for this. Why wouldn’t you?

BALL 2: Lightning Strikes Patriots — The Chargers came into New England last week and laid a thumping to the dynasty. I wrote a piece a while back about how Boston sports was coming to a bump in the road and Dame Kharma was going to rear her ugly head. Well, the Bo Sox have gotten themselves in position for another run at a repeat, but those New England Patriots have looked awfully fallible thanks to Dame Kharma’s control over the injury bug. The departure of Ted Johnson, the stroke suffered by Teddy Bruschi and the injury sustained by Rodney Harrison has this defense reeling. The corners are being proven suspect, as they were accused of being before the Super Bowl. Adrenaline carried them through an “acceptable” performance that evening, but long term talent has them being treated like seal pups by NFL wideouts. To make matters worse, the linebacking core can’t cover anyone and Brady, although still the man until someone takes it from him, has proven fallible. Dame Kharma…nice.

STRIKE 2: Drop That Puck — After watching the pre-season where NHL players scored more than Michael Jackson at a Chucky Cheese, I actually am excited for the puck to drop tomorrow night, especially now that there are no “daily” sports in play where I have a particular rooting interest. I don’t look forward to the 8-6 games though, although the speed of the game has improved with the new rule changes. I look forward to the 1-1 games that are going to a shootout. These games won’t be easy to come by, and the Great One is gathering up scoring records and locking them in a safe in his basement. This is a whole new era of hockey starting this week. Should be interesting to see if any of the game’s purity is kept intact, or if it all goes to spectacle.

BALL 3: NBA Training Camp — Training camps will kick in around the NBA this week. The world’s best cagers will be put through their paces. For a couple of weeks, there will be intense workouts and film study and team bonding to build chemistry. I don’t know what any of this means but I do know the conception of illegitimate children will estimatedly drop 68% over the next two weeks.

Have a great week everyone!